MMM: Breakfast Bites - Rusty the Railcat

A Miller Morning Mothouse Breakfast Bite.

Small Plates. Big Sarcasm.

Breaking news, anybody who's looking for a new job, Rusty the Railcat mascot

is available for a new body inside.

Oh, and you're going to smell the old body for sure.

Some of these neighbors are going to jump right on that. That suit smells like

B.O. and Broken Dreams. I know.

We don't know that the former Rusty the Railcat didn't move on to greater mascot

fame. I can guarantee he's not the Philly fanatic now.

Whoever, sorry, he or she is not. We would have to be in the inside of mascot culture.

Well, does Rusty do any flips or tricks? No, no, no, no. He doesn't.

You don't want to get hurt with this, like, insurance policy they have there.

No, he does run around the bases, though, right?

Yeah, but that's not flipping. He doesn't even slide. I've never seen him even

slide. Because the top of his, because the head might fall off.

Yeah, he's unbalanced with that huge head.

He's not built like a baseball player. Like he's got a huge football. More hair shape.

Make the head smaller. It's way too big.

Well, also, it looks nothing like the logo. It doesn't look like a cat even. No, it looks like a bear.

It looks like a cat with diabetes.

It's all very confusing. I'm a very puffy-headed cat. Hi, I'm Wilfred Brimley

And I'm the new Rusty the Real Cat.

It's clearly a cat It says it in the name It says it, but it doesn't look like a bear Yeah,

They could invest. And also the costume, I'm told, smells really bad.

How do you know? You can verify this. Right, right, right. Because last year

when we did testing there, they made one of the teachers wear it.

He said it really smelled bad. Actually, he looks more like a dog.

If you combined a dog and a bear costume, definitely could use an uptake.

But the head is giant. That is too big.

The head on Rusty is bigger than his entire torso.

Definitely wouldn't be able to do any flips with that big head I don't know man Do you want to risk,

Like how rich is the Railcats organization That they would have enough insurance

Where you do a flip and you break your back,

They're going to be like Oh we'll give you a hundred bucks They're $50 a game rich It is $50 They pay.

Let's talk about the pay for Rusty Hang on I'm looking up the job posting now $50 per game I found it,

Hang on, job overview So let me put on my official voice Let's see what the

duties are As Rusty the Railcat,

you will be responsible for bringing to life The character and the

spirit of the Railcats organization By portraying our beloved mascot Your role

is vital In creating a memorable and entertaining experience For our fans Engaging

with audiences of all ages and enhancing the overall fan engagement at games and community at Pence.

This is a part-time seasonal roll from May to September.

They're not paying benefits. No, there's no 401k program for Rusty. Part time?

Well, I guess. I mean, you're probably not going to put in 40 hours. No.

Perform in costume as Rusty for Railcats home games and select events.

Express energy, enthusiasm, and emotion through body language and physical gestures.

Well, that takes out most of the people in the region.

Well, I mean, can you smoke? Oh, hang on. Cigarettes.

Not. So here's a weird little. That would be funny. So this takes a little bit

out of it. Maintain the mascot suit, including basic care.

You got to fucking pay to have the fucking suit and clean and reporting.

Your 50 bucks is gone. You take that to a dry cleaner these times?

Well, no. Can you imagine you go to the laundromat in the dry cleaners?

You'd be like, I need this rail cats. And they're going to be like, it's $56.

You're in the negative. Can't you just see Rusty with the giant head on And

then he takes off the body Puts it in the washer just waiting in the chair,

Or he just never takes the head off Yeah he just leaves the head on Yeah that's

what I mean Just the head and he's sitting there reading time Oh no I went into

the taco place And now the head smells like onions What are you going to do,

That's how you live now You got an onion Oh Rusty you smell like onions Some

fucking dumb kid Why is there Salsa Verde on your jersey, Rusty?

Ah, head kills. The chin kills in that costume. How many pictures...

Do you have with Rusty the Railcat? Me? Yeah. I've never taken a picture with Rusty the Railcat.

I at least have two or three. You really like. You say that,

but the way you ask that question is like, how many pictures?

Oh, like everyone has a picture with him? No, but she says that like she has 50.

You went, like you had one of the teachers dress up as him. It wasn't the teacher,

though. It was some rando.

Here's another. A rando mascot. So here's another weird. I love these two qualifications

prior mascot experience preferred previous performance experience including dance,

acting, or similar strongly preferred apparently I'm qualified to do this you

are, see what fucking psycho.

Was a different mascot that would apply for this mascot,

I used to be, well, I used to be the Cleveland Steamer shit pile. Yeah.

I was the mascot for the Cleveland Steamer. Yeah.

This says so much. Yeah, I had to wear a costume of shit.

So this is a step up in the world. I lasted until they made me clean my own suit. Yeah.

Because the suit was made of shit. But here's the worst qualification I've ever

seen on a job. What's a step up?

Like, what's the ladder? What's the career ladder?

What do you come from to go to Rusty the Railcat? Well, in order to be the Notre

Dame one. High school mascot?

No, because they do flip. They don't have them. They do flips.

They do flips. They're cheerleaders.

Like the Notre Dame Weprechaun, you actually have to be a ginger or tie your

hair that way. Really? And do push-ups and stuff.

Yeah. Like, it's a real person? Yeah. They don't have to wear a head or whatever?

No, it's an actual guy. With red hair?

That's a dream that no one will ever achieve.

But this is so depressing to hear as a qualification. Comfortable performing

in a confined costume with limited visibility, adapting to different performance

environments and situations.

It's going to be hot as fuck in there no matter what. Oh my gosh,

you should have saw that teacher. He was drenched.

Drenched and it was winter but he wasn't even doing flips he was not doing flips,

Not doing things at all. Well, I mean, this is... Just sweating that costume up for the next place.

Prior mascot experience is just not... I can assure you that...

How many people are going to have prior mascot experience that are applying

for this job? That teacher did not clean that suit.

They just put it away. So he just skipped that part of the job?

They just put... Well, it was just one day for testing.

It wasn't like he was... My brother, Brian Pancake, might try and get this job.

But all I can think about is, you know how hot it is here, July and August, and the humidity.

Oh, man. And five, on the beach, by water, in barely any clothing, just a swimsuit.

It's hot as fuck. Can you imagine being in a cat costume?

And then you're trying to make jokes to toddlers. Dancing to the baby elephant

song, dealing with toddlers kicking you in the ball.

Make jokes with your body language, though.

You don't want to do pelvic thrusts. You can't talk if you're Rusty. With kids.

It's not like the Epstein mascot. You would fail because you can't shut your

mouth. Huh? You would fail at it because you can't shut your mouth.

Mommy, Rusty just told me to fuck off.

Exactly. I would be like, you can't. I did not. That kid is a fuck.

Kid, you're never going to amount to anything, kid. You should.

You kids are doing too much. You should take up smoke. Hey, here's a beer and a camel.

Give up on your dreams He'd be too tall for it And all of a sudden you would

see this Just big cloud of cigarette smoke Shooting out of the eyes Or if he exposed neck,

I would just be like, hey, man, I've come to this point in my life where I need

$50 and I was not willing to do sex for it. I'm going to go sell my life.

So that's about, it's like, oh, $50. Could I blow somebody or put a massive suit on and run around?

I wonder if you could get a dude on dude blowjob for 50 bucks. I don't know.

Call us. Tell us. Let us know. If anyone knows what the going rate is,

inflation is a thing. Dude, blowjobs.

Inflation is a thing? It was a blowjob.

Well, if you don't want to give blowjobs and are willing to work for kind of

cheap and you want to be a mascot. It's real work.

You can tell your grandma that you're doing real work and then send her a picture

of you dressed in a huge cat head.

That looks like a dog and she'll be like I'm so proud of you.

If you need a job Rusty the Railcat is hiring go to Indeed and apply that's

what my grandma would say I think so proud of you for being a cat I don't know

about that in the year $50 is $50 I used to,

which any whore would say I used to walk around downtown Blue Island and get

$50 your grandmother does not sound like this before she was She sounds like this.

She sounds like my voice.

From all the states. Yeah, she smoked Merritt's for like 45 years.

Hey, everybody. Be sure to check out All In Just Trivia March 27th at the Marshall

J. Gardner Center and our season finale on April 24th.

Also, be sure to check out tickets for Miller Community Theater's next production,

Little Shop of Horrors, playing April 10th and April 17th weekends.

Also, visit SoCoolShirts.com, the place where you can find the wardrobe to match your personality.