Miller Morning Madhouse S1E1: What Had Happened Was...

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Good morning, Miller Beach. Welcome to the very first episode of the Miller Morning Mad House, your one stop shop for laughs, chaos, and questionable advice. Hosted by yours truly, Jerry Pancake. Alongside me is my right hand man, the voice of reason, Josh Scramble. Together, we're diving into the wild, weird, and wonderfully bizarre stories of Miller Beach and beyond.

So today's episode is titled what had happened was because, let's be honest, nothing here ever goes according to plan. We've got local legends, twisted tales, and probably a few things we'll have to apologize for later. But, hey, that's what this madhouse is all about. So buckle up because things are about to get well. You'll see.

So what had happened was I think this is gonna be a really funny show, but I wanted to ruin it, like, right off the bat because I wanted to talk about what day it is today. 911. Damn. And I totally forgot it was 911. Totally, and that is that is a joke that I tell every 911.

I also usually to coworkers, I say happy 911 because I think we should probably be over it by now. We should definitely have the day off. I had a meeting today. They did a moment of silence. I didn't like, what are we doing?

If we're gonna do a moment of silence, we should have the day off. Anyway Well,

I just remember right after it happened, I had to buy a refrigerator or else the the terrorist won. So

Well, you I I bought a car.

Well, wow. Conker's you got the Conker deal going on?

Ford Motor Company came out with 0%, like, right off the bat. But, no, I was so in this we're in this meeting and, like, I fur I legit forgot what day it was today, and, the guy, my boss, I'll say, was like, alright. We're gonna do a moment of silence for 911. And I was like, oh my god. I forgot, and I'm not supposed to ever forget.

Well, true. But here's my issue. Like, how many people were in this meeting?

10? No. There's, like, 200 people.

But still, like, to me, a moment of silence if you don't have a stadium full of people, like

yeah. Like, you're already muted Yeah. Is the problem. Like, we're gonna be silent this whole time, sir. You don't have to tell us to have a moment of sight.

We're gonna have it turned out to be 47 minutes of silence. So we did 47 minutes of silence for 911, so we have done our job. But I think it's about time, just in the tradition of every tragedy that's happened in the United States, to make it into a real holiday. Let's have it on a Monday, regardless of whether it's 911 or not because we've commandeered every other holiday, and we don't give a shit about what actual date it occurred on, like Memorial Day and Labor Day. We don't care about any of that.

So let's do it with 911 now, and we'll just have 911 on, like, the Monday after 2 weeks after Labor Day. Right? So we kinda have we come back from Labor Day. We we adjust back to reality because school's back in, and then boom. Boom.

Another 3 day weekend. Let's go.

I am not totally in opposition to that because there is a long stretch between Labor Day and Thanksgiving. Yeah. They actually get a day off.

I mean, come on. It's 2,000 it happened in 2001. That's 23 years ago. Yeah. Like, people weren't even alive that I deal with now on a daily basis.

Oh, trust me. Every year, I'm like, fuck. That was that was 23 years ago.

Like, I feel super old. You were, like, 8, like, 17 years old or something? I was actually 18 years old. 18. So that was a good guess by me.

I had no idea. I was just shooting in the dark there. I was just, like, an adult. I had little kids. They still made us go to work, by the way.

I'll never forget that.

Yeah. It was no. I

I was pissed. I was like, I wanna watch the news.

Well, I called my school, and I'm like, hey. Do we still have classes today? And they're like, yeah. Why wouldn't we? And I'm like, I don't know.

The world just dramatically changed 2 seconds ago.

Just I don't know. Planes are crashing into buildings all over the place. Maybe

No one knows what the hell is going on, but, sure,

let's let's study some English right now. Because you could not focus on anything. I was working at a car dealership at the time, and, yeah, like, we just went in there, and they're like, do you wanna go to the bar across the street? I'm like, we can is that okay? And they're like, yeah.

Like Well, no one's buying a car today

for sure. Yeah. Like, we did but we had some asshole come in, you know, because you always get these fucking fuck tards that come in and, you know, they wanna get their oil changed, and then they wanna talk to the car salesmen and, like, you know, tell them about the old days of when, you know, they bought some fucking 67 Mustang for $4. And so we had, like, a couple guys like that come in, and it's like, dude, do you even care that, like, 911 and then they're like, oh, it's New York City. Like, fuck those guys.

That's Oh, wow. That's a Because it's a very,

it's Indiana, man. Indiana, like, we are we are this the region is is strong in in its, isolationist stance on everything. Well,

that's very true, but I would just be on the lookout for the guy who's like, hey. Do you have a, very used Toyota pickup that'll run well into sand? What about a plane?

Do you guys carry planes here?

Do you have, like,

a small Don George Ford, which is where I was working at the time.

A a very bad Cessna that's on its last legs. Yeah. Hey. Do you know

a way out of town? Do you

have any do you happen to have a fake passport and a shitty plane that

I could borrow real quick? Those guys were doing it to die, though. So, I mean, they weren't leaving town. Well, theoretically, yes, but literally, no. I don't know.

Well, anyway, so I've ruined the mood of the show, and that was my total intention with the 911 bit.

Well, honestly, it's it's been 23 years, and I like the fact that we could kind of joke about 911. And, apparently, everybody on Facebook is joking about it because I've seen some effed up stuff.

Happy 911, guys. Let's do a barbecue. It's it's been enough time.

Well, that is officially, like, the American line of demarcation. When you can grill some dogs and burgers on a day that used to be fucked up, that's

I mean That usually is sad. It's usually sad, but true. But, like, Memorial Day, Labor Day, we're honoring our veterans, the thousands of them that have died. Yeah. The union peep workers and union the first union workers that died around Labor Day.

Again, we've just we've made it a convenient spot for us because now we have a bookend of a soldier's dying day, and people that worked died that got shot at work or killed because they were organizing at work, and those bookend our summer. So let's have a fall Yeah. Tragedy day. And 911 is a perfect time.

You may be surprised Thanksgiving where the white man completely fucked over the Native American beer.

I mean, the fall colors aren't out yet, so it's still kinda half assed summer. We can barbecue. I mean, we're not gonna, like, do, like, a barbecue where we have, like, the towers.

Oh, so we're not gonna do it like popcorn fest last year where we had smoking towers rolling down the middle of mainstream.

Not gonna make a grill, I don't think, with this smoldering towers and a steak on top of it. But in 50 years, that could be a thing.

How do you like your twin towers? Well done, sir.

It'll be like stock up on these non Arab products for 9:11 day. You know, and it's like, oh, well, don't buy any oil.

Good luck. Good so is so would 9 so would an appropriate celebration of 9:11 be don't fill up your tank day, like, you know, this conspiracy theory? Well, don't fill

up your it's gonna ruin the whole economy. If I scramble, you can't do that.

It's gonna ruin the economy for about 5 hours. It's gonna have the same effect as, like, saying, well, don't go eating dogs.

Well, guys, it's 911. I got I I got 14 rib eyes that I'm gonna throw on the grill, but you don't fill up that goddamn f 150.

I could kill 15 animals, but you can't kill 1 gallon of gas.

No one's killing any gas today. It's 911. Because that's like the only product that you could boycott, I'm sorry, from an Arab nation. They don't have anything else that they sell. Right?

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your girl, Gwyneth. When I'm hanging out at Flamingos, I light a candle and put on the Miller morning madhouse with Jerry Pancake and Josh Scramble.

So what had happened was

So for some of us in the audience who might not know, Jerry, mister Pancake, and I golf once in a while. And recently, we are on a one time a year golf trip that we always take in Kendallville, Indiana. And we were commenting on the trip. Like, it always amazes me how, like, every old Indiana town, like, any town that was founded before 1940 or World War 2, it looks exactly the same.

It's like every one of those towns was in the, like, the book or movie, mostly the movie, fried green tomatoes where

Yeah. Very much so.

The railroad. Once the train stopped coming, it was the end of the town.

Like and and anyone who's been in an old Indiana town knows, like, the court the courthouse is the center of town. Here's where your barbershop is. Here's where your

grocery store. Good old judge Sherman was in there.

But they like, it was almost illegal to build it. Like, no. This is where the barber shop goes. And if you don't do it there, you can't do it anywhere. We got full Baptist churches here.

So mister pancake and I were rolling up to a liquor store, which is almost unheard of in an old store, but it was

They gotta do what they gotta do since the train stopped coming in there now. The railroad doesn't stop there. Just scramble. Why would why would anyone go there?

But it well, it's one of those old towns, like, when the when the twist came to town, that's the line of demarcation. Like, when when the twist

68 1968 in Kendallville.

1968 Kendallville was a whole baton.

That twist came out, and it was a bad one.

It affected all some, and then some affected all.

It didn't take the church. God bless.

Oh, god bless. God bless you.

But it took little Billy. Little Billy Naylor.

Little Billy Naylor. It threw him so hot in the air. He never did walk right again after that though.

It picked him up and gave him God gave him a big kiss up there. And he said, Billy Naylor, I'm gonna swallow you up on my

spit you back out because y'all bad, bad little boy. Well, you know Billy Naylor never knew what he did, but he was up there for a solid 3 full minutes.

He was up there for a good bit. He was up there for a good bit, and God spit him out back on the earth without the use of his legs.

I mean I mean, it could have been lieutenant Billy Naylor instead of lieutenant Dan because he never walked

That fucker didn't serve in Vietnam No. Or Vietnam, or is it Vietnam? Well, I think It's probably a a b pronounced with a b, Vietnam. Vietnam. I went to Vietnam.

It's just adjacent to Vietnam.

How could I offend more veterans in this episode with the 911, nonchalant 911. And, but it's it's so funny. Vietnam.

But if you ever go to these old towns, it's one of those towns, like, you know there's an old, like, a 120 year old man in a

rocket chair just telling the

town history. Like, well, you know, there was a story about old Judge Parker.

And before the Airbnbs took over

Oh, well, there used to be a real bed and breakfast that missus Johnson used to run down by the railroad depot. But when the train stopped growing in, so did her customers.

She used to give you a nice handy for breakfast, if you know what I'm talking about. Like a hand job when you woke up. A lot of us back in those times, and this is, I don't know, uncle Tom on the not uncle Tom. Jesus Christ. Or him.

It was not Jesus Christ either, but it was maybe like uncle Frank. I had a uncle Frank. And uncle Frank probably was out there with a pipe, and he was saying, yeah, old miss Johnson used to operate that, bed and breakfast, but it was more bed than breakfast.

Well, she did she she had a whole of a cinnamon roll. I mean, that's not an argue. I mean, that woman could that woman would get a hand job with anybody's business, but couldn't bake with a shit.

Well, she had to do something for the money, especially when the train stopped coming.

Well, once once the choo choo start coming around, they start coming out.

Well, and when those automobiles, those feral automobiles came into town and they built those roads and they built it right through the church property, the old Baptist church. What was that? Saint Saint Saint Nicholas?

Saint Asphalt? Saint.

What's a good old saint? Saint Paul's?

Saint Christopher.

Saint Christopher's Baptist Church where there was no dance, and they built that road right. They built the inner state right through that church

proper there. The time where Rand McCormick went and caused all the ruckus after they stopped the dancing?

Good old Rand. But let's talk about how God what's the guy's name? What's the guy that got spit out by the tornado? Little Billy Naylor. Little Billy Naylor, god spit him out.

And then Billy Naylor didn't have the use of his legs no more. So did he become a better person? Or Josh Scramble, do you think he became a better person, Billy Naylor?

He became a slower person. That's for sure.

He definitely could not run.

See, I'm I'm I'm of the opinion that little Billy Naylor became a worse person because if you're sucked up by a tornado, as they refer to

And God spits you out, he doesn't swallow you.

No. Well, you got you know, anytime you talk about, tornado, it's tornado or twister. You gotta end that at a because that's that proper southern.

That's the only place it doesn't hit here, like, in a city. No.

It doesn't. But over on the other side of the state, it's it's a act of god for sure. But, no, when you survive getting tossed out by a twister Spit out by God. After you've been in the air for 3 for 3 minutes circling around your own property and then getting thrown full blocks from your own house, If you survive that, you feel invincible. I mean, you have a definite Clark Kent Sacco analysis going on where you think you can do anything.

That boy went on to impregnate 6 young girls at Kendallville High School that year, the year he was spit out.

His legs stopped looking, but his Johnson served

a long ago. Still worked, and God did not take his dick nor the church. And for that, we are blessed.

Actually, the the man that God smacked the most was brother Hezekiah. So brother Hezekiah in the in the Amish part of town, that that twister sucked up his carriage and threw it 4 towns over. And you and then the worst insult to injury took a tree branch, dragged it across the top of his head, and ripped all his hair out.

If if there's anything I know about the Amish, it is that they love their hair. They got beards. They got long flowing locks of hair, and they love their hair. And that that Twister took his vehicle. What is it?

The horse and carriage that they drive? It's a carriage they took. And, it picked him up and then it ripped his fucking hair off. How fucking sad is that?

Craziest thing was I

lost my southern accent. I'm sorry.

It took his carriage but left the horse, which was amazing because they were tied together. So apparently, God loved that horse, hated that carriage. And you've never seen something as crazy as when you see a recently bald Amish man walking 4 towns over to try and recapture what is left of your carriage that's been spit out way worse than little Billy Naylor. And what did they call that man after that twist that came

through? That Amish man?

Hairless Hezekiah. My brain

Hairless Hezekiah.

And realize she's very plain,

but that's just perfect for an Amish like me who know I shun fancy things like electricity.

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The chickens and Jacob plows. Fool and I've been milking and plowing so long that even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone.

I like it like tic tac toe. Every step we take is

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Miller Beach, this is your president. When I'm hanging out at Flamingos, I light a camel and put on the Miller Morning Mad House with Jerry Pancake and Josh Scramble.

Alright, folks. But that's it for today's episode of the Miller Morning Mad House. Big thanks to our sponsors, So Cool Shirts, where bad decisions become great fashion. Check them out for your next questionable t shirt. And don't forget all in just trivia with Josh Scramble hosted at the Marshall j Gardner Center.

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We will be back next Sunday, hopefully, with a brand new episode. That is if we are not too hungover. No promises. But stay cool, stay crazy, and keep supporting the madhouse. To be caught.

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It's the moon's over my head. It's got cheese and egg. Eat it on sourdough as you check out my leg. It spoons over my hammy with its eggs and cheese. Spread it on sourdough as you taste the green.

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Out with Do you understand the words that you're talking about? Come in my mouth?

I don't

know. I

don't know.

You speak it in English?